Religion

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

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A lesbian, a rabbi, a minister and a biker walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, “What is this a joke?”

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"I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger

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 A bus load of lawyers were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the lawyers.  A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"   The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them lawyers lie."

  "And G-d said: 'Let there be Satan, so people, don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people, don't blame everything on Satan."

George Burns

(I know it's predictable, but I had to put in at least a couple of lawyer jokes)

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"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

Sharon Stone

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

 George Carlin

“When the sun comes up, I have morals again.”

 * Elayne Boosler

“Earth first, we’ll mine the other planets later.”

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A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey.  As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "that's quite a heavy drink.  What's wrong?"

   After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."

   "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.

   "No wonder you needed a stiff drink.  The second triple is on the house."

   As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"

   "I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

   "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"

   The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"

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Eight Ways to Tell if your a New York Biker

1. The checkout girl tells you that you have a flashing red light on your back.

2. You walk into work wearing those funny gloves with no fingers.

3. You think the subway is for wimps.

4. Somebody comments on your saddlebags, and you say, "Thanks."

5. Racing against a porshe is child's play. 

6. Your lock ways more than your bike.

7. You were late for work because you spent too long yelling at the cabbie.

8. "Stoplight?" "What stoplight?"

Grant Me the Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

The Courage

To change the things I cannot accept

The Wisdom

To hide the bodies of those people

I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also,

Help me to be careful

Of the toes I step on today as they

May be connected to the a**

That I might have to kiss tomorrow

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3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.  They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."  The second man says, " I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...

LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!"

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Metric Conversions

365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

8 nickles = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

100 Senators = not 1 decision

Literature

My Mom bought me a book on time management:

                But I haven't had time to read it

My wife bought me a book on how to get organized

                But I can't find it

My sister bought me a book on better cooking techniques

                But it caught fire while I was making toast

My boss emailed me a pamphlet on better working skills

                But I accidentally deleted it

My neighbor bought me a book on crime prevention

                But it got stolen

My therapist gave me a book on family values

                But I left it at my mistress' place

My friend gave me a book on overcoming my fears

                But it fell off the balcony

My Aunt gave me a book on home improvement

                But it fell into a batch of concrete

My coach gave me a book on better swimming techniques

                But it fell in the water

My Rabbi gave his congregants a book on kindness

                But I threw it at a bum who was blocking my stoop

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Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

·         Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

·         Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

·         Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

·         If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

·         Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?

·         Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?

·         Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

·         Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

·         Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

·         Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

·         If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

·         What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

·         Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!

Religion

Every year before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome goes to the Vatican and presents an ancient---and by now quite tattered--envelope to the Pope.  The Pope inspects the envelope, shakes his head, and hands it back to the Chief Rabbi who then departs. This has been going on for nearly 2,000 years.

One year recently, it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over

and handed it back--as he had been told by his predecessor. But then the Pope said, "This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?"

"Darned if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here myself. Hey, let's open it and find out."

"Good idea," said the Pope. So together they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found?

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Caterer's bill for the Last Supper!

JEWISH INDIANS (er, Native Americans; or, if it's pertinent, Native Canadians)

There was this family of Schmohawks sitting around the shtetl one night.

The papa,Geronowitz; the mama,Pocayenta, and the beautiful young daughter, Minihorowitz

"So,nu", says the daughter, "You'll never believe "What?"says the mama

Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."

 "Yes?"says the mama,"so what did you say?"

 "I said "Yes."

 "You said 'Yes'?"

  "I said 'Yes."

 "That's wonderful," says the mama.  "She said 'Yes!' Did you hear that

Geronowitz?  Our little Minihorowitz is getting married!"

 "I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling.  So who's the lucky boy?"

 "Sittin' Bialy."

 "Sittin' Bialy?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"

 "That's the one,"says Minihorowitz.

 "Oy,Geronowitz!  The SoSiouxme's!  There are so many of them!  How can we feed them?  How can we get them all in our tepee for the wedding?"

 "We"ll think of something,"says Geronowitz.

 "Geronowitz!  Get me a buffalo!"

 "What, at this hour?"

 "No, Geronowitz, for the wedding!  I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat, and we can make an extra tepee from the hide.  Get me a buffalo!"

 So, Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo.  A day goes by, and a night and Geronowitz has not come back.  Another day and another night, and still no sign of him.  Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes home.  Exhausted.  Staggering.  And, empty-handed.

"Geronowitz!  I've been worried sick.  Where have you been?  And where's my  buffalo?

 "It's like this", he says.  "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo.  But this buffalo, he made Mickey Rooney look strong.  It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a rain hat.  So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

 "The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that way, and I finally found a buffalo.  He was a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you Pocayenta, this was the ugliest bufffalo I ever saw in my life.  'This,'I thought to myself, 'is not the buffalo for my daughter's wedding.' So again, I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

"The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low from this way and that way, going up hills and down hills, and I found a buffalo.  It was a big buffalo.It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo.  It was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. 'This,'I said to myself, 'is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.

 "So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk, as I tip-toe over to the buffalo.  Raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."

 "See what?" says Pocayenta.

"I've brought the dairy tomahawk!"

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You Might Be A Jewish Redneck If............... 

You think marrying your first cousin is not only permitted, but Biblically mandated

Your home is mobile and your Sukkah ain't

Your idea of Shalosh Seudos is a six pack of beer and some Redman

Ad Lo Yada applies just about every night

You think KKK is a kosher symbol

You speak more English than your shul president

You light your Shabbos candles from your cigarette

The only plant in your house is your lulav

The only area on your lawn that is mowed is the spot where you burn your  chametz

Your Shabbos suit was a bluelight special at K-Mart

Your local Sofer shoots his own Klaf (parchment)

You've ever used the theme to "Rawhide" as a tune for Kedusha

You've ever fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name

A tish just isnt a tish without a bugzapper

You've ever called the Psychic Friends Network to pasken a Shailah

When you hear the Shofar on Rosh Hashonnah, you let your hunting dogs loose

You know what Brachah to make when you see a UFO

You think the mechitza is an Italian food

You think a hora is a high-priced call girl

You know which brands of grits have an acceptable Kashrut supervision

Synagogue misprints:

Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg Shabbat after Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.  All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his  private study. 

The ladies of Haddassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign  slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

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Questions you don't want to ask your local Rabbi

Can you pick your nose outside the eiruv?

Is there a bracha (blessing) to say to keep your girlfriend from getting pregnant?

Is it permissible for a Jew to speak Pig Latin?

Can a person daven at the western wall via the kotel cam?

Why is it that on most nights we do not even click once, but on this night we double click?

Is there a bracha (prayer) to say in order to ask that one doesn’t fall asleep during High Holiday services?

Is it permissible to roller blade to shul on the Sabbath?

What is the bracha to say after taking viagra?

What is the proper bracha (blessing) for treif?

Is a kipa which displays the Nike symbol considered muktza (if you're paid an advertising fee)?

Humorous excuses for reckless driving.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Excuse me, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end,
it would probably be Memorial Day Weekend.

Bumper Stickers

Honk if you feel you've lived long enough!

Boldly going nowhere

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost

If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a jeep)

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Seen on the back of a biker's vest:     If you can read this, my wife fell off...

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

BMW:

Brutal Money Waste

CHEVROLET:

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE:

Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater

Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter

FORD:

First On Road to Dump

Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable

GMC:

Gotta Mechanic Coming?

JEEP:

Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

SAAB:

Sorry Auto Always Broken

SUBARU:

Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA:

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VW:

Virtually Worthless

I haven't lost my mind    it's backed up on tape somewhere.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

From:  Ccfixman   12-5-95

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,

System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,

Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.

Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,

I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,

Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,

Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.

"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!  Save my data from before!"

One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,

Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?

These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.

Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.

The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.

Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,

From, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,

Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.

But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.

Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,

Saying, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.

I pleaded with the cursed machine:  I begged and cried and then I swore.

Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,

Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.

Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.

Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.

Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.

And then I saw a dreadful sight:  a lightning bolt cut through the night.

A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.

The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.

Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.

What a demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,

Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?

But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,

You will be one day left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,

Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Apron => that stupid looking beanie that usually says kiss the cook, often worn by suburban bar-b-quers’

Bolt => what you do when the client asks about the construction delay

Concrete Block => being stuck behind a stalled cement truck

Detail => de part of de bird which leaves presents on de hood of de car

Flashing => when some ugly looking guy walks by in a trenchcoat seeking attention

Grade => the reason you were up at 3:00 in the morning gluing that last piece of cardboard to a model house

Head => bang it against the wall

Jamb => Another term for construction delay

Landing => the portion of an airplane flight where you grip your seat arms and pray to a higher power that the airplane reaches the ground without losing vital parts on the runway

Moment => a brief period of time where you must choose between finishing a floorplan, or going fishing

Outlet => what you need when you’re so furious at your partner that you just want to take a magnum and blow his/her brains out

Pre Cast => that period of time between your skiing accident and your discharge from the hospital